Is Codependency Really a Toxic Myth in Addiction Recovery?
The dangers of people pleasing or codependency are legitimate.
I stumbled across a New York Times article titled, “Codependency is a Toxic Myth in Addiction Recovery.” My jaw almost hit the floor. I was shocked to hear what appeared to be a strong opposing view on a subject I’ve had so much first hand experience with. Not just a difference of opinion but challenging its entire existence.
The publication is an opinion piece. A piece that could easily cause alarm to those who have either known or wondered that their people pleasing tendencies are actually traits of codependency. The dangers of people pleasing or codependency are in fact legitimate. The years I spent working in residential treatment and centers for detox from substance abuse confirmed that. I’ve sat across from countless family members and close friends of a loved with addiction seeking professional guidance on what to do next to try and salvage the relationship.
Is My Relationship Toxic?
People have been given distorted information on codependency, either in favor of or against it.
Reading the article reminded me of how high emotions can run when people are scared of losing a loved one to addiction, completely at their wits end after trying everything from rational reasoning, to threats of cutting off all types of support. All the while, hurting and scared out of their minds about the realization of their own powerlessness over their loved one’s addiction. If you and I were in a counseling session right now this is where I’d pause ask you to take a couple deep breaths and then check in with me about how you’re feeling.
The more I read, the more concerned I felt about the potential damage of the claim that “Codependency is a Toxic Myth in Addiction Recovery.” Like so many areas of life, I don’t believe one can accurately define a relationship dynamic in such an absolute and polarizing statement.
I understand that as humans we desire the path of least resistance. Make it simple and easy for me! Unfortunately, we know this isn’t in line with reality and addiction only further complicates things.
Let me say it here now, No one can ultimately know what will work best for your life and your relationships but you. Therapy is meant to help bring insight, new perspective, and education in some instances but the objective is never to tell you how to live your life.
That being said, to use examples of a family losing a loved one to a drug over dose because they were told they are codependent and tried to have boundaries is a wildly incomplete story.
I am certain that people have been given distorted information on codependency, either in favor of or against it.
The author cites Melody Beattie’s book “Codependent No More” in multiple places but the information cited is incomplete and I believe, creates a misleading view of the message of the book. The article’s focus is that the term codependent is used to dissuade people from giving love and support to an addicted person in their darkest moments when they need love and support the most. That message is contrary to the true definition of Codependency. The author is right in saying that we all have a need for dependence on others. That much is true!
Is My Relationship Codependent?
The motivation behind acts of kindness, love, and generosity cannot be fear.
Being codependent is not the same as being interdependent or having a healthy dependence in relationships. We are complex creatures who thrive in safe communities, not in isolation. Healthy dependence includes things like, a mutual dependence on one another, not a singular one. It includes multiple safe and supportive relationships where each person feels secure enough in the relationship to address conflict without a deep fear of rejection or abandonment rising to the surface, to cheer each other on, to say “no” when needed, and to not question our self-worth or compromise our self-esteem when we ourselves are told “no.” It looks like sharing responsibilities and burdens, not rescuing and caretaking for another person to distract from our personal feelings of inadequacy. The motivation behind acts of kindness, love, and generosity cannot be fear. For then, they are not really loving, generous, or kind after all. They are attempts at controlling another person, attempts to manipulate someone into staying, and acts of desperation to change the mind of a person whose mind is not fully their own while in active addiction.
How to Break Codependency
A person who knows their own needs and limitations is able to give and love generously in the most authentic way.
Brene Brown states that a person who knows their own needs and limitations is able to give and love generously in the most authentic way. This is because there are no underlying resentments, no unrealistic expectations of what they’ll get in return because that person’s needs are already being met. They are not “loving” someone else in order to receive love. To break codependency patterns is to learn how to love and respect yourself. If you learn how to love yourself then you’ll be much more fit to truly love someone else. If the thought of figuring out how to break codependency from your relationship makes you anxious you are not alone. Anxiety and codependency are frequently experienced together.
Have there been or will there be times when it is appropriate to leave a loved one in jail or refuse to let them back in your home? Yes. It is a shameful lie to tell ourselves that we have the power to somehow figure out how to control the outcome of addiction in someone’s life.
I could go on. My hope in responding to this piece is to shine a light on the reality that there are nuances and complexities to all of us and a misdirected attempt at creating alarmism and “canceling” the term Codependency isn’t helping anyone. If you have anxiety, fears, or questions about Codependency then I encourage you to seek out a therapist who specializes on the subject where you live.
Katie is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Georgia. She provides in person therapy at her Marietta office and provides virtual sessions for the entire state of Georgia. She enjoys helping people learn how to love others well while still honoring their own personal needs. If you are interested in treatment for Codependency then call or email Katie today!
Disclaimer: This is in no way a replacement for a therapeutic relationship or mental health services. This is for educational purposes only and should be in used only in conjunction in working with a licensed mental health professional. If you would like help working towards a healthy dependence in your relationships I can help. Click here to schedule an appointment.
