Adult Children of Alcoholics
Approximately 1 in 5 adults grew up with an alcoholic parent. That means when you’re at work, the grocery store, your kid’s school, church, or cheering on your favorite sports team in the stands you are surrounded by your fellow Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOAs). Thousands of people in YOUR community are looking for answers on how to cope with problems in their lives that are rooted in having been raised in an alcoholic home.
There are currently over 2,000 support group meetings run around the world for people who identify as Adult Children of Alcoholics. That means that MILLIONS of people are actively looking for answers, support, and healing from their personal experiences of growing up in a home with an alcoholic parent.
. The majority of those meetings (1,933 to be exact) are in the United States.
So how did all these people find each other before Instagram and Facebook?
It all started with a guy named “Tony A.” in 1978. He wrote out a list of 14 common characteristics that he and others around him closely related to as Adult Children of Alcoholics. It is known as the “The Laundry List.”
Read the list below and see how many you relate to.
The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
We became addicted to excitement.
We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
Got your number? Whether it is 2, 7, or 12 there is good news and there is a solution!
Much like the model of Alcoholics Anonymous, ACOA has its own literature, workbooks, 12 Steps, and support groups as I mentioned above.
In my therapy practice, it is super common for me to hear from people that the idea of attending a support group or 12 Step meeting is NOT appealing to them. Sitting in a room full of strangers and talking about your childhood trauma? “ No Thank You” they say. Actual responses usually include more colorful language. =)
Honestly, I get it. When you grow up in a dysfunctional family system it is very common to learn to believe that you can’t trust people. You can’t trust “outsiders” (Read: Anyone living outside of the dysfunction.) Someone outside of the dysfunction might betray you or bring shame on you or a family member. They might not have your best interest in mind, and even though you know you also can’t technically trust the family system, you can at least try to protect yourself.
This is where I can help. If sitting in a room full of strangers isn’t something you’re ready for then that is okay! It is okay to find a different starting place. The most important choice you will make about this is to choose to not go through it alone anymore. You don’t have to start by opening up to 20 people, you can start by opening up to 1. Isolation is a killer of hope and healing. Don’t let yourself be its victim.
Take back some power by starting with individual therapy. Start with the easiest part and get on my calendar for a free 15 minute phone consultation. Do that here. I’ll give you an outline of how I approach therapy sessions so you can know exactly what to expect and I’ll answer any additional questions you have.
I don’t know where Tony A. is these days ( with the anonymity of The 12 Steps and what not…) but i’m thankful to him for putting into words what millions of people have personally experienced and as a result feel seen, heard, and validated in many ways for the first time.
About Katie Luman, LPC
Katie is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Georgia. She provides in person therapy at her Marietta office and provides virtual sessions for the entire state of Georgia. She enjoys helping people learn how to love others well while still honoring their own personal needs. If you are interested in treatment for Codependency then call or email Katie today!
Disclaimer: This is in no way a replacement for a therapeutic relationship or mental health services. This is for educational purposes only and should be in used only in conjunction in working with a licensed mental health professional. If you would like help working towards a healthy dependence in your relationships I can help. Click here to schedule an appointment.
