Is Codependency Really a Toxic Myth in Addiction Recovery?
Is Codependency really a toxic myth in addiction recovery?
The dangers of people pleasing or codependency are legitimate.
I stumbled across a New York Times article titled, “Codependency is a Toxic Myth in Addiction Recovery.” My jaw almost hit the floor. I was shocked to hear what appeared to be a strong opposing view on a subject I’ve had so much first hand experience with. Not just a difference of opinion but challenging its entire existence.
The publication is an opinion piece. A piece that could easily cause alarm to those who have either known or wondered that their people pleasing tendencies are actually traits of codependency. The dangers of people pleasing or codependency are in fact legitimate. The years I spent working in residential treatment and centers for detox from substance abuse confirmed that. I’ve sat across from countless family members and close friends of a loved with addiction seeking professional guidance on what to do next to try and salvage the relationship.
Is My Relationship Toxic?
People have been given distorted information on codependency, either in favor of or against it.
Reading the article reminded me of how high emotions can run when people are scared of losing a loved one to addiction, completely at their wits end after trying everything from rational reasoning, to threats of cutting off all types of support. All the while, hurting and scared out of their minds about the realization of their own powerlessness over their loved one’s addiction. If you and I were in a counseling session right now this is where I’d pause ask you to take a couple deep breaths and then check in with me about how you’re feeling.
The more I read, the more concerned I felt about the potential damage of the claim that “Codependency is a Toxic Myth in Addiction Recovery.” Like so many areas of life, I don’t believe one can accurately define a relationship dynamic in such an absolute and polarizing statement.
I understand that as humans we desire the path of least resistance. Make it simple and easy for me! Unfortunately, we know this isn’t in line with reality and addiction only further complicates things.
Let me say it here now, No one can ultimately know what will work best for your life and your relationships but you. Therapy is meant to help bring insight, new perspective, and education in some instances but the objective is never to tell you how to live your life.
That being said, to use examples of a family losing a loved one to a drug over dose because they were told they are codependent and tried to have boundaries is a wildly incomplete story.
I am certain that people have been given distorted information on codependency, either in favor of or against it.
The author cites Melody Beattie’s book “Codependent No More” in multiple places but the information cited is incomplete and I believe, creates a misleading view of the message of the book. The article’s focus is that the term codependent is used to dissuade people from giving love and support to an addicted person in their darkest moments when they need love and support the most. That message is contrary to the true definition of Codependency. The author is right in saying that we all have a need for dependence on others. That much is true!
Is My Relationship Codependent?
The motivation behind acts of kindness, love, and generosity cannot be fear.
Being codependent is not the same as being interdependent or having a healthy dependence in relationships. We are complex creatures who thrive in safe communities, not in isolation. Healthy dependence includes things like, a mutual dependence on one another, not a singular one. It includes multiple safe and supportive relationships where each person feels secure enough in the relationship to address conflict without a deep fear of rejection or abandonment rising to the surface, to cheer each other on, to say “no” when needed, and to not question our self-worth or compromise our self-esteem when we ourselves are told “no.” It looks like sharing responsibilities and burdens, not rescuing and caretaking for another person to distract from our personal feelings of inadequacy. The motivation behind acts of kindness, love, and generosity cannot be fear. For then, they are not really loving, generous, or kind after all. They are attempts at controlling another person, attempts to manipulate someone into staying, and acts of desperation to change the mind of a person whose mind is not fully their own while in active addiction.
How to Break Codependency
A person who knows their own needs and limitations is able to give and love generously in the most authentic way.
Brene Brown states that a person who knows their own needs and limitations is able to give and love generously in the most authentic way. This is because there are no underlying resentments, no unrealistic expectations of what they’ll get in return because that person’s needs are already being met. They are not “loving” someone else in order to receive love. To break codependency patterns is to learn how to love and respect yourself. If you learn how to love yourself then you’ll be much more fit to truly love someone else. If the thought of figuring out how to break codependency from your relationship makes you anxious you are not alone. Anxiety and codependency are frequently experienced together.
Have there been or will there be times when it is appropriate to leave a loved one in jail or refuse to let them back in your home? Yes. It is a shameful lie to tell ourselves that we have the power to somehow figure out how to control the outcome of addiction in someone’s life.
I could go on. My hope in responding to this piece is to shine a light on the reality that there are nuances and complexities to all of us and a misdirected attempt at creating alarmism and “canceling” the term Codependency isn’t helping anyone. If you have anxiety, fears, or questions about Codependency then I encourage you to seek out a therapist who specializes on the subject where you live.
Katie is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Georgia. She provides in person therapy at her Marietta office and provides virtual sessions for the entire state of Georgia. She enjoys helping people learn how to love others well while still honoring their own personal needs. If you are interested in treatment for Codependency then call or email Katie today!
Disclaimer: This is in no way a replacement for a therapeutic relationship or mental health services. This is for educational purposes only and should be in used only in conjunction in working with a licensed mental health professional. If you would like help working towards a healthy dependence in your relationships I can help. Click here to schedule an appointment.
Anxiety and Co-Dependency: Am I Co-Dependent?
What’s the difference? : Counter-dependence, Interdependence, and Codependence
When I speak about codependency people sometimes will respond by saying, “Well aren’t we all a little dependent on others?” The answer to that is yes! You really can’t have intimate or close relationships without some level of dependency. The challenge lies in knowing the difference between healthy and unhealthy dependence.
What is Dependency?
Dependency can be defined as the degree to which a person relies on another person as a source of support, acceptance, value, and connection. As humans, we are social creatures, intended to thrive in a community of mutually beneficial, agreed upon, and a trusted balance of give and take with others. Too much or too little results in stunted growth, allowing room for dysfunction to grow.
Triggers for Codependency
Codependency is a form of relational dysfunction developed as a coping technique when a person’s need for love and acceptance repeatedly go unmet. The development begins for may people in childhood when our sense of self-worth, autonomy, and identity are developing. We create meaning out of our day to day interactions with others in our families and in our social settings. Codependency occurs when the meaning we make of our value sounds like, “my needs don’t matter” or “I am only valuable because of what I can do for someone else.”
The Dependency Spectrum
Counter-Dependencey
I like to think about dependency as if it’s on a spectrum because like so many of life’s issues, it isn’t “all or nothing” or “black or white.” There is a lot of “gray area” because we are unique people with unique environments and circumstances. Well + Good has a great article on Addiction as a spectrum and I believe so much of the reasoning for thinking of addiction as a spectrum applies to Dependency as well. There are three pillars on this dependency spectrum. On the far left you have what’s called “Counter-Dependence.” This looks like a lack of desire or need to rely on other people. Self-sufficiency at its strongest!
Counter-dependence can be defined as a fear of intimacy. Janae and Barry Weinhold actually phrase it as a “flight from intimacy.”
Examples of Counterdependency
Difficulty being close to others
A strong need to be right—all the time
Self-centered and egotistical
A resistance or refusal to ask for help
Expects perfection in self and others
Extreme discomfort appearing weak or vulnerable
Has difficulty relaxing and is addicted to activities like work or exercise.
Many times couples will present with one person being counter-dependent and the other being co-dependent.
Inter-Dependencey
In the middle of the spectrum is Interdependence. This is the sweet spot of dependence. A shared dependency with another person that is mutual in give and take in the relationship.
Interdependence is the most desired or most healthy form of dependency. This can be defined as two people relying on each other in equal measure to meet one another’s needs in an appropriate and meaningful way.
Examples of Interdependency
Both people are emotionally available to connect authentically and vulnerably without an expectation that the other “fix” the problem or be responsible to change their feelings.
Any and all emotions are allowed in the relationship.
Both people share in equally divided responsibilities. One person does not carry the majority of the physical or emotional work load in order to keep the other person happy or prevent them from leaving.
Both people have autonomy in the relationship. Two individuals still exist and are allowed to spend time with friends, family, and hobbies or interests outside of the relationship without the other person immediately fearing abandonment.
Co-Dependencey
Lastly, on the far right we have Codependencey. This looks like an over reliance on someone else OR being the enabler or caretaker to someone in an unbalanced way that is rooted in relational dysfunction.
To the codependent person, straying from the norm, introducing new ideas, relationships, or interests can stir up a storm of fears and insecurities that are often times irrational and not based on reality. My Therapy for Codependency page shares more on how therapy can improve your life.
Anxiety and Co-Dependency
Is codependency a symptom of anxiety?
Let’s start at the beginning, with our most basic need. We are all predisposed towards survival and learn to adapt to our environments in ways that increase our chances of survival. Our bodies and minds are capable of amazing things when it comes to survival. Think for a moment with me about your body’s “Fight or Flight” response.
Imagine you are hiking on a mountain trail. You’re alone and hear the gentle rustle of the wind through the leaves of the trees around you and feel the crunch of dirt and rocks beneath your feet as you walk. You take a deep breath of the clean mountain air and feel your lungs expand. Suddenly, there’s an unexpected noise. In a matter of seconds your body kicks into survival mode without you telling it to do anything. You feel your heart beat faster, your peripheral vision increases as you scan all around you to see what made the noise. You feel hot and may start to perspire. Is it a bear or a mountain lion? All of these things are happening to prepare you to either run for your life or to stay planted and fight for it. Thankfully, when you turn around, you see it’s a deer who looks to be just as scared as you are in that moment. The deer bolts away and your nervous system begins to calm down. You can thank your body for doing its job to try and keep you safe.
Despite it’s intricacies, our nervous system cannot tell the difference between a real threat and a perceived one. A physical threat or an emotional threat. A threat of bodily harm or a threat of relational rejection. So along the way, we develop coping strategies for these threats that arise.
In codependency, anxiety is a very common symptom. Anxiety grows and festers because of the persistent worry or obsessing a person with codependency engages in. Our minds continually ruminate on and attempt to find ways to “fix”, control, or “survive” the source of the anxiety. The source is the person or people you are codependent on. Internally, there is a hyper-vigilance (cue fight or flight response) where you are constantly checking to determine if you are secure based on wether or not they are in a good mood, having a good day, or are giving you the affirmation or validation you crave.
The anxiety and worry obsession is so intense at times that regular or mundane activities like watching a TV show or cleaning the kitchen cannot be completed.
The obsession won’t allow it. This is a fruitless cycle. No matter how much worrying or obsessing you do to attempt to “problem solve” the solution is almost never in your control. You are clinging on for dear life to the very thing that is making your life miserable. Rather than controlling, you are being controlled. Ultimately there is one end goal. “Don’t leave me.” Constant efforts to avoid abandonment or rejection are indeed anxiety inducing!
Codependency and People Pleasing can often go hand in hand. People pleasing is a more well known form of Codependency. A People Pleaser has little to no boundaries and the word “No” is generally not part of their vocabulary. If you have a need they will meet it. Keeping other people happy with them is confirmation that they are well liked and therefore have value. A Psych Central article gives a great example of what people pleasing can look like in a romantic relationship.
A codependent person may take up the role of the hero or “fixer” in the family to secure their value and necessity or they make take up the role of the lost child or ever needy victim by constantly reminding you that they exist and aim to please you in order to ease anxiety or fear of abandonment.
There is a scene in the 2002 film, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, where the main character, Toula, is trying to gain her father’s permission and approval to take a business class at the local community college. Toula is 30 years old, unmarried, and living at home with her parents.
In her family it is customary for unmarried daughters to live at home with their parents and work for the family business until they find a spouse. Toula decides that she wants to pursue some dreams that are unconventional to her family, one of which is taking a business class. Her father’s response is one of my favorite lines in the movie because in just a couple of sentences, their entire relational dynamic is summed up.
After Toula presents her idea to take the business class as a way to benefit the family restaurant her father immediately responds by saying, “Why you want to leave me!?” and Toula, totally exasperated, replies, “I’m not leaving you! Don’t you want me to do something with my life!?”
3 Ways to Stop Codependency Anxiety
At this point you may be asking how to end the cycle of anxiety producing obsession. Often times people wait until they are in the middle of a crisis before seeking out counseling for Codependency. Verywellmind.com reminds of the importance of being patient and kind with yourself as you embark on your journey to heal from Codependency.
Here are 3 ways to stop anxiety due to codependency.
HEALTHY DETACHMENT
A common saying in Al-anon is to “detach in love.” This can include mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically detaching from someone. Healthy detachment is essentially choosing to detach from another person’s responsibilities. Tangibly this might mean you choose to detach by no longer enabling a person through paying a bill for them when they refuse to work, or completing chores for someone in your home when they could be doing it themselves. Emotionally it means to detach from someone else’s feelings. You are not responsible for someone else’s feelings and another person’s feelings do not define you.
This does not mean that you stop caring about their feelings or that you don’t need to worry about being kind but rather that you don’t walk around wearing their feelings like they belong to you too. This means that you don’t make choices to let your own needs go unmet because you don’t want the other person to experience negative feelings. Feelings are information and a useful tool for growth. If I cannot physically feel my skin burn when I touch a hot stove then I am in danger of really damaging my body. If someone interferes with my negative feelings by rescuing me from them then I cannot learn from the experience and I won’t develop healthy skills and resilience for coping with negative emotions.
In the famous words of Ted Lasso, “Be curious, not judgmental.”
BE CURIOUS AND INVESTIGATIVE
Use the energy and thinking power you have to begin responding rather than reacting to your feelings and circumstances. One of my favorite phrases to use when helping people sort through their flood of feelings is, “Your feelings are always valid but they don’t always tell you the truth.” Tell yourself that you are not going to jump to conclusions but you are going to allow yourself to examine and investigate your feelings before you automatically assign meaning to them. A great way to begin practicing this is to make these questions the first part of your response to the anxiety or fear that stirs up so quickly. Question 1: “I wonder why I am feeling so anxious?” Question 2: “What are the facts and what are my thoughts?” Chose to be curious before you come to any hard conclusions. Here’s an example:
You send a text message to a family member and they don’t respond until the next day. You usually get a response within a few minutes to an hour. The later it gets in the day the more anxious you begin to feel and the obsessing thoughts grow. You begin to rehash your last conversation with them. Did you do or say something to make them angry? You find a reason to send another text that doesn’t sound pushy but will hopefully elicit a response this time. Still crickets. Now you’re REALLY starting to worry and obsess. The assumptions and theories start to swirl in your mind.
Now is the time to try a different approach. You ask yourself the first question…Why is this making me so anxious?? Let’s review, I feel worried and anxious because I normally would have heard back from them by now. I am worried that they are mad at me and are ignoring me. Now, the second question. The facts are that I don’t know why they haven’t text me back yet. The facts are that this is really upsetting me right now but I can acknowledge that it’s possible that their reason for not texting me back yet could have absolutely nothing to do with me.
It is very important to acknowledge all of the thoughts and feelings that come up for you because trying to avoid them or ignore them won’t make them go away. Acknowledge and validate your experience and leave room for other possibilities!
INVITE HEATHY SUPPORT AND ACCOUTABILITY
We cannot grow in isolation. We need healthy others to reflect back our words, thoughts, and feelings to stay connected to reality. Seeking out therapy or joining a support group are great ways to get the healthy connections that you need to begin eliminating unnecessary anxiety and codependency from your life.
Dependent Personality Disorder
GoodTherapy.org notes that Codependency by itself does not qualify as a mental health diagnosis because the traits are broadly applied. However, an individual may meet the criteria for Dependent Personality Disorder. DPD is defined by the DSM-5 as, “An excessive and pervasive need to be taken care of, submissive, clinging, needy behavior due to fear of abandonment. This may display itself in one or more of the following ways:
Difficulty making routine decisions without input, reassurance, and advice from others.
Requires others to assume responsibilities which they should be attending to.
Fear of disagreeing with others and risking disapproval.
Difficulty starting projects without support from others.
Excessive need to obtain nurturance and support from others, even allowing other to impose themselves rather than risk rejection or disapproval.
Feels vulnerable and helpless when alone.
Desperately seeks another relationship when one ends.
Unrealistic preoccupation with being left alone and unable to care for themselves.
According to the DSM-5, the onset of DPD usually occurs in adolescence to late 20’s. It is also usually more prevalent in women than in men.
It is important to remember that you should not attempt to self-diagnose or diagnose others. If you find yourself identifying with these traits, reach out to a mental health professional for help.
About Katie Luman, LPC
Katie is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Georgia. She provides in person therapy at her Marietta office and provides virtual sessions for the entire state of Georgia. She enjoys helping people learn how to love others well while still honoring their own personal needs. If you are interested in treatment for Codependency then call or email Katie today!
Disclaimer: This is in no way a replacement for a therapeutic relationship or mental health services. This is for educational purposes only and should be in used only in conjunction in working with a licensed mental health professional. If you would like help working towards a healthy dependence in your relationships I can help. Click here to schedule an appointment.